In Creating Healthy Ties with in-laws and Extended Family by JAMES M. HARPER AND SUSANNE FROST OLSEN, they shared about a creating a fence around their marriage. Protecting our sacred information that should be between the husband and wife. "Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage. The husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality relationship." This is important because it can cause hurtful feelings towards the other spouse whose parent can't let their child grow up with his own marriage. 

In my own marriage, my husband of 12 years still has parents who are enmeshed with their children. "Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together; to not be so is considered a personal affront. When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can't attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt." 

My husband's parents have almost caused his twin's brother to divorced after they moved to Idaho 6 months after they married. Unfortunately, they have caused his younger sister to divorce. She runs to mom and dad and they defend her always. The poor husband had no chance. They have two children together and his parents tried to keep the children away from him as well. Luckily, the court disagree with that action. They now share 50/50. 

My in-laws cross their boundaries often and we as a couple have taken a few years to recognize the enmeshment his parents had on him when we first got married. He felt like a failure if he couldn't show up to a family event. They blamed me for everything. It was terrible. They often asked us for money and I would say no. They blamed me for their problems. It was bad. Today, we do not see them much. Yet, they seem to come over unannounced and I have to turn them away. 

Money:

My husband comes from a family who doesn't communicate about problems. They always act like they have it together. When money was good, they spent it. When money was bad, you held back. I was raised way differently. I was raised by a CFO (Chief Financial Officer) for a big law firm in Arizona. He taught all of his children to save your money for a raining day. We saved and spent wisely. (Doesn't mean I did that always but I mostly did). When we got married. That was hard. He followed my lead but found out that he didn't want to disappoint me and hid his spending habits from me. It scared me and felt betrayed. I ended up spending my savings on some of his debts and we slowly became better at our money differences. We talked about his family financial stresses and he sees how it has caused many problems in their lives. Many of them come to us for advice since we have no debts besides a small credit card.

Here are some suggestions to help with both financial differences that may help you better understand each other and how you can better make a financial goal together:

Financial Management Suggestions

1. Be aware that each of us has an assortment of divergent values, standards, and goals that tend to influence the way we want resources allocated.

2. Accept that each of us comes to marriage with a unique set of financial rules.

3. Appreciate the severe stress placed on individuals and families when family financial rules are broken.

4. Understand that it is possible for families and family members to modify their financial management procedures.

5. Assess the financial management patterns of your family of origin and determine which of these you wish to perpetuate or discard.

6. Develop a family plan designed to alter existing, dysfunctional financial patterns and establish functional financial management techniques.

7. Learn as a family how to effectively plan, control, and evaluate the management of financial resources.

(Till Debt do us Part, Chapter 2: What we bring With Us, by Bernard Poduska)

Family Council to Strengthen Family

Family Council is a big part of my family growing up. "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners (Declaration on the Family)." (Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families). 

Our family council was done right before we started Family Home Evening. We would go over our calendar, birthdays that month, and if there were any new information any one needed to share. This was the time my father or mother would bring up anything concerning about someone else in the family or a problem with cutting back on certain things. My parents thought it was good to talk about money, when it was good and not good and didn't hide it from us kids. They felt it was teaching us that when we get older, we may have similar struggles in life. Because they did, it is okay if we did. They never wanted to hide anything from us, as long as it was appropriate. 

I am the youngest of 11 children. As soon as my oldest brother came home from his mission, he went off to Brigham Young University (BYU), my parents started the process of treating them like an adult. My parents helped paid for school but if they wanted extra money, they needed to work. That is what he did. He found a job, met a great women, and got married during his final year of school. The rule in my family was, once you got married, my father basically cut you off. We paid for our own way of school and survival once we got married or graduated from college.

"When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families." (

My parents did a great job at setting the expectations that we would be on our own someday. They started the process and slowly let us learn how to take care of ourselves early on. 

Unfortunately, my In-laws still try to treat their married children like "Children". It has actually caused a big strain in the extended family relationship. According to the article, Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families, by Richard B. Miller, PhD quoted President Kimball saying, "Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life (President Spencer W. Kimball, Marriage, p. 17)". This is serious and I have seen it, not only from my In laws, but from many of my friends and my sister's own relationship. It is becoming more and more of a problem today. What ways do you find boundaries from your In-laws or parents in a loving way?

Puri

Wow! I loved this weeks lesson. I learned something new this week that I had not known before! 

In D&C 42:22 it says: "Thou shalt love they wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else".

Of course! That means to love her and not commit adultery, Right? But we think of Adultery as committing a physical intimate sin. 

BUT, did you know there is more?

In the book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, shares a chapter on Purity. Purity is staying clean for your spouse in all things. What does all things mean, Goddard states:

"When the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing no dividing nor depriving...The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse..."

That means anything can get in the way of your marital spouse. Anything! Not just a human being but work or Politics. We can get super obsessed with things that we can forget the most important person, our spouse.

Did you know that there are stages to being unfaithful? Goddard shed some light on these steps and you might be surprised with the end results? I was. But, I'm only going to share the scariest of all the stages that many don't realize their in danger, I mean deep danger as in breaking your scared covenants. 

"...dangerous stage is worrying about what other people may say about the time or affection that you are sharing with the other person...making excuses or telling lies to hide the time or resources spent on the other person...this spouse is displaced as the key recipient of heartfelt communications emotional intimacy is given to an outsider."

This is the stage that "sacred covenants have already been violated and permanent damage lurks."

I have or my husband has never had an affair BUT, he did with his job. Some wives can relate to this story. My husband is a workaholic. He loves challenges. He loves competing against himself and what his abilities are. He loves the start of a new company. I love that he loves it too until it starts to affect our marriage and family. He usually does really good at finding some balance with work and family but this job was different. He had partners and he wanted to feel that he was doing his full share. He gave in all that he had. To the point that we were almost out on the streets. He put too much in and with nothing in return. I couldn't talk to him. He knew what he was doing to me and the kids but couldn't face the shame on my face. So, he stayed away more. He began to work Sundays and those were our family days. I was losing my husband to work. Finally, after much prayer and fasting. I begged my husband to tell me what is going on. He broke down and told me what was happening with this company. He was more worried about what his partners thought of him rather than his wife and kids. It broke him and he saw that it was breaking me. After getting my husband back and much prayer together, he saw how less of the company meant to him compared to his wife and family. Now we are so much happier. We are doing just fine with the new business but he would not have done it without me and his family on his side. He feels that when his wife and children are on his side, God is there also.  

The Natural Man

Over Coming Gridlock:

"When partners can't find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock." (Gottman)

1. You've had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out-giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

I believe this to be true. I have hit a wall before with my husband but I have never "Gridlocked" before until recently. My husband is so ambitious and can take a risk that could lose him everything, even his family. I love his dreams and I'm all about letting him do what he wants to do but it finally got to a point where it was wearing on me as a wife and mother. My husband really wanted to start this Roofing business with his twin brother and buddy. I was so against it but he was doing it with or without me. Since he started it, we began to gridlock a lot and it was pushing me to resent the business and him a lot. I felt at a loss and could not reach him. I felt left alone and like it wasn't our marriage anymore. It was his marriage and all the decisions were his and not ours to make anymore. 

"Catherine Thomas observes: Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present." (Goddard)

I finally was at a breaking point with my husband that I was about to call it quiets after a few years of this behavior until I had a strong impression to pray for my husband and how to understand him, to know if it was right to divorce him. I remember feeling defeated but felt like Heavenly Father was on my side to help me find answers. My husband and I finally came into the "Dreams of Conflict" approach. (Gottman) I was able to share with him how "I felt" and why it was "hurting me". 

President Benson: "You do change human nature, your own human nature, if you surrender it to Christ...And only Christ can change it." (Goddard)

I was able to submit myself to Christ, even when I was at the end of the hurt and confusion. I allowed myself to see what my husband saw into his company and what he was doing with it and how it could help our family. After sometime, I could see all the great he was doing for it and made it a lot of money for the company.

President Benson said: "Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that he can make a lot more out of their lives that they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, life their spirits, multiply their blessing, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace, Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life." (Goddard)

My husband ended up walking away from the company. He had some issues with the way his partners were handling the company which he gave up everything because he would rather be on good terms and start a new company on his own.  Its hurt him, his twin brother, and buddies relationship but he couldn't stand by and watch what they were doing to the company. It was causing problems with our marriage and family. Of Course It was hard to leave but when we came together and submitted ourselves to the lord, we were able to see the things that once we didn't. We were able to strengthen our marriage with the Lord; we can see the blessing from our submission to the lord and with that we are able to see the progression of the new company we have started.

President Ezra Taft Benson, Past Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. 

What do you Want to get out of a conversation?

  No vote

I come from a family of temper. Not anger management type of temper but we can say nasty things to each other, especially as siblings. Once I got married, I calmed down a lot but that doesn't stop me from starting up with my harsh start ups. I would always jump to conclusions without investigating before I get upset. I like how Gottman gave the "I" approach in chapter 9. His "complain but don't blame starts with "I need..." or "I feel..." is how I have noticed our conversations would go. I noticed if I share how I feel and how it makes me get, he can understand that it affects me and in around about way he realizes he needs to do something to fix that. Since we learned about harsh start ups, I have done better to do my softened start-ups. Our conversations really do go a lot better and we resolve as much as we can. Some of the resolving need to wait to get fixed because of children getting in the way or we can't reach a solution right away and need further information on certain things. 

My husband is really good at making repair attempts but it is usually me that reflects them and I stay mad. We are doing much better now after we had a rough patch not long ago. One thing I can totally agree on is when Gottman talks about sweeping things under the rug. It creates a lump in the rug. Or his other analogy, is a pebble in your shoe. If we don't resolve it, its like tripping over that lump in the rug or feeling that pebble in your shoe. My husband and I recently went through something like this and we couldn't resolve this problem. We were living parallel lives until we finally resolved the pebble in the shoe or lump in the rug. Now our shoes are clean out and there isn't any more junk under the rug. 

So, How do we fix the "What do you want?" We need to know what we are trying to get out of the conversation by starting with soft start ups and beginning with how "you" feel and/or with "I feel..." start ups. It softens the fight by your feelings. NO one can change your feelings if that is how you feel, Right?

Beware of Pride in your Marriage

I love the quote from the book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, he said, "The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others." He also later states, "The natural mind is an enemy to truth. Each one of us sees our own versions of "truth" and imagines that no one in the world sees truth as clearly as we do." The way I like to analogize it is by looking through binoculars at something and trying to describe what we all see. Each one of us will be describing something totally different because we see it and understand it differently. Instead of fighting about what we see, we can talk about it and describe it. It reminds me of the talk "Discovering Truth" by Elder Uchtdorf. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXiGaV8tY5M&ytbChannel=Mormon%20Channel We all can take a piece of truth and shape it into what we believe to be true. In the end, we need to trust the lord.  In Mosiah 4:9 "man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can Comprehend".

When we think we know all and everything, it becomes pride. President Ezra Taft Benson, "Beware of Pride", shares that "Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God's. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of "my will and not thine be done".   We aren't only this way with God and ourselves but towards our fellowmen.  

So what is it that will help us break pride and thinking "we" know what is true?  "Let us choose to be humble" (Benson). In our marriages it is humility and repentance. (Goddard). According to  John M.Gottman, PhD, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", he shares how we need to allow the influences of our spouses on us to help us make decisions together. If we do not, we can cause further problems in the relationship, even bring out those four housemen out. Gottman says, "statistically speaking, when a man [women] is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that this marriage will self-destruct." There is that dang pride. Lets not let pride and being a know it all ruin our marriage. Let us be equal.

Story:

I am far away from perfect but we have a slight influencing problem. We just had an incident this last weekend. My husband reminded me a little about Tim from the end of chapter 7 of Gottman's book. He had invited his family over after I just got done telling him I was not ready to face his family, his family had betrayed my trust a few months ago. When they got to the house, I got flustered and I grabbed my children quickly and got out of the house. I made a seen that was embarrassing but I felt set up to make that scene because I just told him I wasn't ready. All those feelings flooded back which caused all of that hurt all over again. It wasn't fun. I couldn't face my husband after that night and went straight to bed because I was disappointed in him. I went to the temple on Tuesday to help me fight this hurt all over again. I was able to find peace but still need to sit down with my husband and talk about it when he gets home from his work trip. 

I know that was a deadened story but it helped me to humble myself to overcome the hurt and turn to the lord. I want to work it out with my husband, instead of hold onto pride. Pride is not the answer and will not help the marriage work. So grateful for the gospel and the temple to help bring on peace.

Turning Towards One Another

I have to agree with this quote by the Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve: No Misery, No Joy,

"But most newly married couples can hardly grasp what awaits them when they happily walk, arm in arm, from the garden like temple grounds. If they did realize what lies ahead, they would probably walk more slowly, like Adam and Eve, driven from Eden, bowed down in unspoken sorrow."(The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve)

I have been married for over 12 years and had some up and downs but I have recently gone through my biggest trail. The article by a BYU student, "Turn Toward One Another" reminds me a little of my story. My husband got caught up in being the soul provider and didn't think he needed to be involved. It wasn't until my daughters started to do chores that they felt cheated. They thought they were pulling all the weight around the house. I would tell them how I did most of it while they were at school but then they were curious as to what Dad did? This was a waking point for me. What was my husband doing for us besides providing for the family. He had time, Right? This wasn't the only problem we had. "Up to now, your first question has naturally been "what is best for me"—how to use your time, money, school, work, whatever. But after your wedding, the biggest question is, "What is best for our marriage, our family?" And that is a very hard thing to learn." (The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve) 

After a recent traumatic event in our marriage, we woke up our marriage and we learned to Turn Towards one another. My husband and I learned to do "what is best for our marriage, our family".  According to John M. Gottman, he says about turning towards one another, "A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life" (The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work). In my marriage we help each other out with chores, grocery shopping, helping children with homework, and dropping/picking up kids from school.  "The Lord taught Adam and Eve not only that they should "cleave" to one another but that they must live and bear children in the sorrow, sweat, and thorns of mortality."(The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve) I love it when eve turns to Adam after they both have taken the fruit and she says, "it is best that we may past through sorrow that we may know the good from the evil". It reminds me that pain, suffering, hardship is the will of God that we may know Joy. What do you do to Turn Towards One Another in your marriage?

Cited:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books. 

" Lamentation," By Arta Romney Ballif, sister to President Marion G. Romney.

Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts: Chapter six. The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve: No misery, No joy.

Love Mapping

In the book by John M. Gottman, The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work, he shares one of his secrets in chapter 4. In the first principle he talks about enhancing your love map. What is your love map?  "my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life."  This means keeping up on major events in their life, staying updated on their information of their feelings as their world continues to change. It means caring for what they do and how they do things. When you care for someone don't you want to know what their up to and why do it? 

I love this idea of love mapping. I think it is very important to have a love map on your spouse. I know what its like to be married to an "Rory". (Gottmon shares a story about a husband named Rory in his book). My husband loves to work. He loves to make people happy with his work. He builds peoples backyards and they want all of his attention. My husband has an addictive personality. Everybody wants to be his friend.  When he finishes a project, he is praised by those people and then praised by the people of Facebook after seeing his beautiful work. It started to drown me out of his life. I started to wonder if work and satisfying these people were more important to him than me or his family.  When we would go around family and certain friends, they would ask me what my husband was up to and I couldn't answer the question. People were concerned about that. My mother finally asked if things were OK. If you don't know your spouses' "love map", people start to noticed. It starts to be a problem. Of course, I wasn't going to divorce him but I wanted to see if he noticed I was gone and went out of town with the kids for a week, "spring break" and he noticed and that was enough to make him listen to me and know how serious I was about this workaholic situation he was in. 

In the book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. shares in chapter two, Obedience and Sacrifice "willing to submit in all things", shares "Most of us want the prize without paying the price. We want to have a close, loving marriage, but we're not willing to give up our pet affections." He also mentions later in the chapter, "We cannot have our eyes on our partner and ourselves at the same time." 

My husband recently went through the understanding of sacrifice. He was trying to do everything by himself but not realizing that we were a team. We are "ONE" when it comes to our decisions. He wasn't including me in these decisions and I felt totally left out and alone. I was wondering why am I part of this marriage? Does he even need me anymore? Talking to him wasn't working because his head was filled with busy work. I felt like I was sacrificing everything for him but he wasn't doing the same for me? I couldn't get through to him. Finally, it took a situation with his twin brother and wife to stop him in his tracks and wake him up. Since then, we have been going to the temple more and praying together. Family time has been really important to him and we have realized that family and our marriage comes first before things, friends, and work. Once he understood this, we have had a better love map on each other. 

He says, "Try as we might, we won't do it perfectly right away. We will be distracted by ego, tripped by pride, snared by temper, or sidetracked by pain. So we go through the process again. We may need to apologize and ask our spouse for patience as we learn to do better." (Goddard).

Cited:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books. (ISBN: 9780553447712)

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing. 

Wow, such great readings and learning about the four horseman.

1.Criticism

2. Contempt

3. Defensiveness

4.  stonewalling

Great book by John M. Gottman, PH.D. the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Friendship

Repair attempts

active listening 

resolving

I watched these videos and cringed a little. I knew that my spouse and I are guilty of this. I noticed that I have understanding my spouse a lot more since I started to read these books. I have really felt the need to "Draw Heaven into [my] marriage". I don't think it is only someone needs it more than others. In Goddard's book, it is needed all the time. ( read a paper back book) On page 22:

The change of Heart he says: "We do not become celestial by adding a pinch of Jesus to a terrestrial life. At some point we simply throw ourselves on His merits, mercy, and grace." Not a pinch but all of ourselves are needed for a change. That to me  means all the time. We live with God and work with him always to keep our marriage together. 

He shares at the end of Chapter One: Creating Your Own Story, I also like what he says here,

"But good marriage is not about skills. It is about Character". 

It makes me think about Gottman and him saying the biggest myth of all is that communication or maybe we can be active listeners. "I" statements and engage, acknowledge in the other persons pain. "I hear you or "I fee your pain". 

It doesn't surprise me that Gottman would find physical research in our hormone (BLOOD) and know what is going on under the service. It just gives it another sense of depth to his research and findings. Not just how it affects marriages but also the children. I want to hear more. It integers me. 

The talk by Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy, "Covenant Marriage", Ensign, Nov. 1996, 26, shares many stories about how blissful marriage at the beginning. We think that getting married we will have no more problems and its happy ever after from here on out. I have been married for 12 years and I thought that as soon as I got married. We are so excited and blinded by what can happen after marriage. “Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them.”

Then Elder Hafen shares the story about the “Hireling” and the Good Shepherd, “Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” (2) Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other.” In order for our marriage to continue we need to treat it like a covenant vs. a contract. When we do we have a covenant marriage, we are all in at 100 percent instead of a contract marriage at only 50 percent.

What are the types of wolves that affect our marriage? We first see the natural adversity, like the lost of new born child. The second is their own imperfections, the criticism of ourselves or others towards us. The third is the excessive individualism, thinking about our own wants and needs before others.

Adam and Eve wouldn’t know any opposition and have no children. They would live forever in innocence. Instead, they left the garden so that they could have joy. To have joy they needed to know opposition. They wanted to multiply and replenish the Earth. “The Prophet Joseph Smith said that Adam blessed his posterity because “he wanted to bring them into the presence of God.” (First Presidency Message What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple by President Ezra Taft Benson, Liahona, April 1986.) How did do this? “The answer: Adam and his descendants entered into the priesthood order of God. Today we would say they went to the House of the Lord and received their blessings. The order of priesthood spoken of in the scriptures is sometimes referred to as the patriarchal order because it came down from father to son” (President Ezra Taft Benson).

When we have entered the House of the Lord, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day’s Temple, there are certain blessing we receive according to President Ezra Taft Benson, which are:

• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.

• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.

• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.

• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.

• You will receive the key of the knowledge of God. (See D&C 84:19.) You will learn how you can be like Him.

Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. (See D&C 84:20.)

• You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they

might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” (D&C 138:34.)

Such are the blessings of the temple and the blessings of frequently attending the temple.

Through the Holy Spirit, we will feel the strength of the temple in our own lives and marriage. I know that I have been blessed through regular temple attendance. For example, I was about to give birth to my first son, my third pregnancy and knew I needed that extra blessing due to my life threatening deliveries. During a priesthood blessing, the spirit told my father, who was performing the blessing, “because of my regular temple attendance that I will be blessed and protected.  The baby will be strong and healthy.”  I still had complications, but I am alive today because of my faith and temple attendance. My son is safe and made it out of the NICU after one week. I am grateful for those who built temples and sacrificed much for the blessings of marriage. To help us find away back to the presence of God. These men and women had such strong testimonies and faith that were willing to be God’s instruments and build temples, strengthen families, and continue strong marriages.

Defender of Marriage

OBERGEFELL v. HODGES.

The two Questions:

(1) Does the Fourteenth Amendment require a state to license a marriage between two people of the same sex?

(2) Does the Fourteenth Amendment require a state to recognize a marriage between two people of the same sex that was legally licensed and performed in another state?

Case Conclusion:

The Fourteenth Amendment requires both marriage licensing and recognition for same-sex couples.

It was a 5-4 majority win for the same-sex marriage case of OBERGEFELL v. HODGES. “The Court held that the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment guarantees the right to marry as one of the fundamental liberties it protects, and that analysis applies to same-sex couples as it does to opposite-sex couples.” Same sex marriage is also held to the right to marry because it is inherent to “the individual autonomy, it protects the most intimate association between two people, it safeguards children and families by according legal recognition to building a home and raising children, and it has historically been recognized as the keystone of social order.” The court also ordered that the first Amendment protects the right of religious organizations to their principles.

            Those Judges who argued for the constitution believe that the constitution does not address marriage for the rights of same-sex marriage. It is within their own state legislatures based on their electorates and the courts should not over step. They all argue that this is taking power from the legislature and putting into the judiciary. These judges agree that this matter should be up to the states on how they want to handle the same-sex marriage and traditional marriage. Judge Roberts argues that legal opening for marriage will make the change harder to accept. The constitution did nothing for the win of same sex marriages. Judge Scalia’s says,

“‘The nature of marriage is that, through its enduring bond, two persons together can find other freedoms, such as expression, intimacy, and spirituality,’” he quoted from the majority opinion before adding, “Really? Who ever thought that intimacy and spirituality [whatever that means] were freedoms? And if intimacy is, one would think Freedom of Intimacy is abridged rather than expanded by marriage. Ask the nearest hippie.”

And by Judge Alito, Jr.

“What [those arguing in favor of a constitutional right to same sex marriage] seek, therefore, is not the protection of a deeply rooted right but the recognition of a very new right, and they seek this innovation not from a legislative body elected by the people, but from unelected judges. Faced with such a request, judges have cause for both caution and humility.” Id., at ___ (slip op., at 7–8).  He talks about deep roots of our traditions.

            In my opinion, I believe these Judges are protecting the government, the constitution, and our deep roots of long traditions. Now people want to change it. They don’t feel that the Constitution covers the same sex opinion to marry. It should protect the traditions of our past. Why is this coming to the courts to change the laws of all the states when this should be an individual state issue. Let the voters decide.

            One day I heard a rumor that I had boyfriend with a guy on my swim team. I shrugged it off until after school during our swim practice and told them about the rumor going around and laughed about it. He laughed and said he started it because people were starting to wonder if he was gay. I asked if he was. He told me he was and was afraid that if the swim coach found out, he would get kicked off the swim team. I totally understood his problem because this was a new thing back in 2002. I let it go for a while but when it came to being asked to a dance. Everyone thought we were together and he was going with his “partner”. I realized It wasn’t right, I had “checked my religion at the door” for this lie to continue in order to save him but not myself. I told him I cared for him as a person but I didn’t support what he and his partner do and I could not hold on with that lie. He agreed and it started to come out that he was gay. He gained respect but also lost a lot of friends. His swim coach was okay with it but he did get a lot of problems from the other swim team crew. So, he unfortunately quit the swim team. We stayed friends until a few years ago, his Facebook page started to look a little too pornographic. I always ask myself, is it clean enough for my children to see my social media if they accidentally get on?  His page wasn’t clean enough for my children and I had to remove him. Its hard to stand up to someone about something that has become the “new normal” in society. It's like playing tug-a-war on our feelings. How do you deal with such feelings?

References:

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States. https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf

What is your normal in your community? Does children or religion have anything to do with getting married?

What types of communities did you grow up in? Was it a single parent home, cohabitating parents, or a stable two-parent home?

The type of community I grew up in was like a bubble. I was raised with parents who loved each other and stayed together and they continue to stay together. My two-parent stable home was a normal thing in my world and the same for all of my friends. They all had parents that showed love for each other and continue to stay together. When I got older, like in high school, some of my newer friend’s parents were getting divorced or were already single. Cohabitating wasn’t really a thing until I reached College in the year 2004. For me, I started to hear more about couples cohabitating because their parents had a terrible divorce experience and they were scared it would happen to them.

According to Amato’s article he shares how important it is to have two parent roles in a child’s life. Even if you needed to get divorce because the marriage wasn’t very stable, it was important to remarry and in sync with your new spouse and share the same values and disciplines together towards the children. Over time, it will help the child or children gain trust and respect for the new parent in the home. What do you think? Do you have a step parent in your life that you could find respect for?

In the quote from President Kimball, he stated, “…only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.” Some specific types of things we can do to ensure we preserve our family in the midst of gathering evil, is to stick to the basics. The foundation of the gospel to any problem are these primary answers, read your scriptures, personally and with the family, say your prayers, personally, with spouse, and with the family, go to church and take the sacrament, let your children see that you pay tithing and fast offerings, and above all, let your children know you attend the temple with your spouse as often as you can. When your children are of age, start Family Home Evening (FHE).

 These are the things I have done and I can tell you as a testimony that if you stop these basics of scripture reading, prayer saying, and church going, life gets a little crazy and you will soon ask the questions what am I doing wrong? Life gets busy with work, children, homework, and other tragic events in our lives that we don’t put God first.

When we do that, we aren’t seeking the blessing that our Father in Heaven is waiting to give us as long as we do what he asks of to do. I know that if we do these things it will strengthen your family and personal life.

What is The church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints position on divorce? In the talk called
Divorce by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the twelve Apostles he states:

“Bishops do not council members to divorce, but they can help members with the consequences of their decisions. Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.

Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages. They should follow the marriage enrichment counsel in the First Presidency’s message in the April 2007 Ensign and Liahona.⁵ To avoid so-called “incompatibility,” they should be best friends, kind and considerate, sensitive to each other’s needs, always seeking to make each other happy. They should be partners in family finances, working together to regulate their desires for temporal things.”

When searching for a new companion, get to really know him/her and his/her family. Know if this person will work out for you. I know that people change during marriage and it isn’t easy to stick with that person when they have betrayed your trust. If it isn’t abuse, we can find away to repent and make it right. Like I mentioned above, go to the basics. My husband and I aren’t perfect and we have had some rough patches. I really thought we would get divorced at one point because I knew something wasn’t right but he wouldn’t open up to me. After a few years, I have had it and was about to leave with the children until one day, someone told me what was going on. Nothing serious, he was scared to share something he did wrong and needed to fix with a few people. Once it was fixed, we worked on our marriage and family. We continue to work at it. It isn’t perfect. I have been married 12 years and we’ve lasted this long because we put God first by praying, reading scriptures, going to church, and recently, attending the temple more often then normal. I noticed a big difference in our relationship since then. It takes time and work. Don’t give up!