What do you Want to get out of a conversation?

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I come from a family of temper. Not anger management type of temper but we can say nasty things to each other, especially as siblings. Once I got married, I calmed down a lot but that doesn't stop me from starting up with my harsh start ups. I would always jump to conclusions without investigating before I get upset. I like how Gottman gave the "I" approach in chapter 9. His "complain but don't blame starts with "I need..." or "I feel..." is how I have noticed our conversations would go. I noticed if I share how I feel and how it makes me get, he can understand that it affects me and in around about way he realizes he needs to do something to fix that. Since we learned about harsh start ups, I have done better to do my softened start-ups. Our conversations really do go a lot better and we resolve as much as we can. Some of the resolving need to wait to get fixed because of children getting in the way or we can't reach a solution right away and need further information on certain things. 

My husband is really good at making repair attempts but it is usually me that reflects them and I stay mad. We are doing much better now after we had a rough patch not long ago. One thing I can totally agree on is when Gottman talks about sweeping things under the rug. It creates a lump in the rug. Or his other analogy, is a pebble in your shoe. If we don't resolve it, its like tripping over that lump in the rug or feeling that pebble in your shoe. My husband and I recently went through something like this and we couldn't resolve this problem. We were living parallel lives until we finally resolved the pebble in the shoe or lump in the rug. Now our shoes are clean out and there isn't any more junk under the rug. 

So, How do we fix the "What do you want?" We need to know what we are trying to get out of the conversation by starting with soft start ups and beginning with how "you" feel and/or with "I feel..." start ups. It softens the fight by your feelings. NO one can change your feelings if that is how you feel, Right?