In Creating Healthy Ties with in-laws and Extended Family by JAMES M. HARPER AND SUSANNE FROST OLSEN, they shared about a creating a fence around their marriage. Protecting our sacred information that should be between the husband and wife. "Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage. The husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality relationship." This is important because it can cause hurtful feelings towards the other spouse whose parent can't let their child grow up with his own marriage. 

In my own marriage, my husband of 12 years still has parents who are enmeshed with their children. "Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together; to not be so is considered a personal affront. When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can't attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt." 

My husband's parents have almost caused his twin's brother to divorced after they moved to Idaho 6 months after they married. Unfortunately, they have caused his younger sister to divorce. She runs to mom and dad and they defend her always. The poor husband had no chance. They have two children together and his parents tried to keep the children away from him as well. Luckily, the court disagree with that action. They now share 50/50. 

My in-laws cross their boundaries often and we as a couple have taken a few years to recognize the enmeshment his parents had on him when we first got married. He felt like a failure if he couldn't show up to a family event. They blamed me for everything. It was terrible. They often asked us for money and I would say no. They blamed me for their problems. It was bad. Today, we do not see them much. Yet, they seem to come over unannounced and I have to turn them away. 

Money:

My husband comes from a family who doesn't communicate about problems. They always act like they have it together. When money was good, they spent it. When money was bad, you held back. I was raised way differently. I was raised by a CFO (Chief Financial Officer) for a big law firm in Arizona. He taught all of his children to save your money for a raining day. We saved and spent wisely. (Doesn't mean I did that always but I mostly did). When we got married. That was hard. He followed my lead but found out that he didn't want to disappoint me and hid his spending habits from me. It scared me and felt betrayed. I ended up spending my savings on some of his debts and we slowly became better at our money differences. We talked about his family financial stresses and he sees how it has caused many problems in their lives. Many of them come to us for advice since we have no debts besides a small credit card.

Here are some suggestions to help with both financial differences that may help you better understand each other and how you can better make a financial goal together:

Financial Management Suggestions

1. Be aware that each of us has an assortment of divergent values, standards, and goals that tend to influence the way we want resources allocated.

2. Accept that each of us comes to marriage with a unique set of financial rules.

3. Appreciate the severe stress placed on individuals and families when family financial rules are broken.

4. Understand that it is possible for families and family members to modify their financial management procedures.

5. Assess the financial management patterns of your family of origin and determine which of these you wish to perpetuate or discard.

6. Develop a family plan designed to alter existing, dysfunctional financial patterns and establish functional financial management techniques.

7. Learn as a family how to effectively plan, control, and evaluate the management of financial resources.

(Till Debt do us Part, Chapter 2: What we bring With Us, by Bernard Poduska)

Family Council to Strengthen Family

Family Council is a big part of my family growing up. "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners (Declaration on the Family)." (Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families). 

Our family council was done right before we started Family Home Evening. We would go over our calendar, birthdays that month, and if there were any new information any one needed to share. This was the time my father or mother would bring up anything concerning about someone else in the family or a problem with cutting back on certain things. My parents thought it was good to talk about money, when it was good and not good and didn't hide it from us kids. They felt it was teaching us that when we get older, we may have similar struggles in life. Because they did, it is okay if we did. They never wanted to hide anything from us, as long as it was appropriate. 

I am the youngest of 11 children. As soon as my oldest brother came home from his mission, he went off to Brigham Young University (BYU), my parents started the process of treating them like an adult. My parents helped paid for school but if they wanted extra money, they needed to work. That is what he did. He found a job, met a great women, and got married during his final year of school. The rule in my family was, once you got married, my father basically cut you off. We paid for our own way of school and survival once we got married or graduated from college.

"When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families." (

My parents did a great job at setting the expectations that we would be on our own someday. They started the process and slowly let us learn how to take care of ourselves early on. 

Unfortunately, my In-laws still try to treat their married children like "Children". It has actually caused a big strain in the extended family relationship. According to the article, Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families, by Richard B. Miller, PhD quoted President Kimball saying, "Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life (President Spencer W. Kimball, Marriage, p. 17)". This is serious and I have seen it, not only from my In laws, but from many of my friends and my sister's own relationship. It is becoming more and more of a problem today. What ways do you find boundaries from your In-laws or parents in a loving way?

Puri

Wow! I loved this weeks lesson. I learned something new this week that I had not known before! 

In D&C 42:22 it says: "Thou shalt love they wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else".

Of course! That means to love her and not commit adultery, Right? But we think of Adultery as committing a physical intimate sin. 

BUT, did you know there is more?

In the book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, shares a chapter on Purity. Purity is staying clean for your spouse in all things. What does all things mean, Goddard states:

"When the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing no dividing nor depriving...The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse..."

That means anything can get in the way of your marital spouse. Anything! Not just a human being but work or Politics. We can get super obsessed with things that we can forget the most important person, our spouse.

Did you know that there are stages to being unfaithful? Goddard shed some light on these steps and you might be surprised with the end results? I was. But, I'm only going to share the scariest of all the stages that many don't realize their in danger, I mean deep danger as in breaking your scared covenants. 

"...dangerous stage is worrying about what other people may say about the time or affection that you are sharing with the other person...making excuses or telling lies to hide the time or resources spent on the other person...this spouse is displaced as the key recipient of heartfelt communications emotional intimacy is given to an outsider."

This is the stage that "sacred covenants have already been violated and permanent damage lurks."

I have or my husband has never had an affair BUT, he did with his job. Some wives can relate to this story. My husband is a workaholic. He loves challenges. He loves competing against himself and what his abilities are. He loves the start of a new company. I love that he loves it too until it starts to affect our marriage and family. He usually does really good at finding some balance with work and family but this job was different. He had partners and he wanted to feel that he was doing his full share. He gave in all that he had. To the point that we were almost out on the streets. He put too much in and with nothing in return. I couldn't talk to him. He knew what he was doing to me and the kids but couldn't face the shame on my face. So, he stayed away more. He began to work Sundays and those were our family days. I was losing my husband to work. Finally, after much prayer and fasting. I begged my husband to tell me what is going on. He broke down and told me what was happening with this company. He was more worried about what his partners thought of him rather than his wife and kids. It broke him and he saw that it was breaking me. After getting my husband back and much prayer together, he saw how less of the company meant to him compared to his wife and family. Now we are so much happier. We are doing just fine with the new business but he would not have done it without me and his family on his side. He feels that when his wife and children are on his side, God is there also.  

The Natural Man

Over Coming Gridlock:

"When partners can't find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock." (Gottman)

1. You've had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out-giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

I believe this to be true. I have hit a wall before with my husband but I have never "Gridlocked" before until recently. My husband is so ambitious and can take a risk that could lose him everything, even his family. I love his dreams and I'm all about letting him do what he wants to do but it finally got to a point where it was wearing on me as a wife and mother. My husband really wanted to start this Roofing business with his twin brother and buddy. I was so against it but he was doing it with or without me. Since he started it, we began to gridlock a lot and it was pushing me to resent the business and him a lot. I felt at a loss and could not reach him. I felt left alone and like it wasn't our marriage anymore. It was his marriage and all the decisions were his and not ours to make anymore. 

"Catherine Thomas observes: Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present." (Goddard)

I finally was at a breaking point with my husband that I was about to call it quiets after a few years of this behavior until I had a strong impression to pray for my husband and how to understand him, to know if it was right to divorce him. I remember feeling defeated but felt like Heavenly Father was on my side to help me find answers. My husband and I finally came into the "Dreams of Conflict" approach. (Gottman) I was able to share with him how "I felt" and why it was "hurting me". 

President Benson: "You do change human nature, your own human nature, if you surrender it to Christ...And only Christ can change it." (Goddard)

I was able to submit myself to Christ, even when I was at the end of the hurt and confusion. I allowed myself to see what my husband saw into his company and what he was doing with it and how it could help our family. After sometime, I could see all the great he was doing for it and made it a lot of money for the company.

President Benson said: "Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that he can make a lot more out of their lives that they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, life their spirits, multiply their blessing, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace, Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life." (Goddard)

My husband ended up walking away from the company. He had some issues with the way his partners were handling the company which he gave up everything because he would rather be on good terms and start a new company on his own.  Its hurt him, his twin brother, and buddies relationship but he couldn't stand by and watch what they were doing to the company. It was causing problems with our marriage and family. Of Course It was hard to leave but when we came together and submitted ourselves to the lord, we were able to see the things that once we didn't. We were able to strengthen our marriage with the Lord; we can see the blessing from our submission to the lord and with that we are able to see the progression of the new company we have started.

President Ezra Taft Benson, Past Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. 

What do you Want to get out of a conversation?

  No vote

I come from a family of temper. Not anger management type of temper but we can say nasty things to each other, especially as siblings. Once I got married, I calmed down a lot but that doesn't stop me from starting up with my harsh start ups. I would always jump to conclusions without investigating before I get upset. I like how Gottman gave the "I" approach in chapter 9. His "complain but don't blame starts with "I need..." or "I feel..." is how I have noticed our conversations would go. I noticed if I share how I feel and how it makes me get, he can understand that it affects me and in around about way he realizes he needs to do something to fix that. Since we learned about harsh start ups, I have done better to do my softened start-ups. Our conversations really do go a lot better and we resolve as much as we can. Some of the resolving need to wait to get fixed because of children getting in the way or we can't reach a solution right away and need further information on certain things. 

My husband is really good at making repair attempts but it is usually me that reflects them and I stay mad. We are doing much better now after we had a rough patch not long ago. One thing I can totally agree on is when Gottman talks about sweeping things under the rug. It creates a lump in the rug. Or his other analogy, is a pebble in your shoe. If we don't resolve it, its like tripping over that lump in the rug or feeling that pebble in your shoe. My husband and I recently went through something like this and we couldn't resolve this problem. We were living parallel lives until we finally resolved the pebble in the shoe or lump in the rug. Now our shoes are clean out and there isn't any more junk under the rug. 

So, How do we fix the "What do you want?" We need to know what we are trying to get out of the conversation by starting with soft start ups and beginning with how "you" feel and/or with "I feel..." start ups. It softens the fight by your feelings. NO one can change your feelings if that is how you feel, Right?

Beware of Pride in your Marriage

I love the quote from the book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, he said, "The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others." He also later states, "The natural mind is an enemy to truth. Each one of us sees our own versions of "truth" and imagines that no one in the world sees truth as clearly as we do." The way I like to analogize it is by looking through binoculars at something and trying to describe what we all see. Each one of us will be describing something totally different because we see it and understand it differently. Instead of fighting about what we see, we can talk about it and describe it. It reminds me of the talk "Discovering Truth" by Elder Uchtdorf. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXiGaV8tY5M&ytbChannel=Mormon%20Channel We all can take a piece of truth and shape it into what we believe to be true. In the end, we need to trust the lord.  In Mosiah 4:9 "man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can Comprehend".

When we think we know all and everything, it becomes pride. President Ezra Taft Benson, "Beware of Pride", shares that "Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God's. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of "my will and not thine be done".   We aren't only this way with God and ourselves but towards our fellowmen.  

So what is it that will help us break pride and thinking "we" know what is true?  "Let us choose to be humble" (Benson). In our marriages it is humility and repentance. (Goddard). According to  John M.Gottman, PhD, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", he shares how we need to allow the influences of our spouses on us to help us make decisions together. If we do not, we can cause further problems in the relationship, even bring out those four housemen out. Gottman says, "statistically speaking, when a man [women] is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that this marriage will self-destruct." There is that dang pride. Lets not let pride and being a know it all ruin our marriage. Let us be equal.

Story:

I am far away from perfect but we have a slight influencing problem. We just had an incident this last weekend. My husband reminded me a little about Tim from the end of chapter 7 of Gottman's book. He had invited his family over after I just got done telling him I was not ready to face his family, his family had betrayed my trust a few months ago. When they got to the house, I got flustered and I grabbed my children quickly and got out of the house. I made a seen that was embarrassing but I felt set up to make that scene because I just told him I wasn't ready. All those feelings flooded back which caused all of that hurt all over again. It wasn't fun. I couldn't face my husband after that night and went straight to bed because I was disappointed in him. I went to the temple on Tuesday to help me fight this hurt all over again. I was able to find peace but still need to sit down with my husband and talk about it when he gets home from his work trip. 

I know that was a deadened story but it helped me to humble myself to overcome the hurt and turn to the lord. I want to work it out with my husband, instead of hold onto pride. Pride is not the answer and will not help the marriage work. So grateful for the gospel and the temple to help bring on peace.

Turning Towards One Another

I have to agree with this quote by the Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve: No Misery, No Joy,

"But most newly married couples can hardly grasp what awaits them when they happily walk, arm in arm, from the garden like temple grounds. If they did realize what lies ahead, they would probably walk more slowly, like Adam and Eve, driven from Eden, bowed down in unspoken sorrow."(The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve)

I have been married for over 12 years and had some up and downs but I have recently gone through my biggest trail. The article by a BYU student, "Turn Toward One Another" reminds me a little of my story. My husband got caught up in being the soul provider and didn't think he needed to be involved. It wasn't until my daughters started to do chores that they felt cheated. They thought they were pulling all the weight around the house. I would tell them how I did most of it while they were at school but then they were curious as to what Dad did? This was a waking point for me. What was my husband doing for us besides providing for the family. He had time, Right? This wasn't the only problem we had. "Up to now, your first question has naturally been "what is best for me"—how to use your time, money, school, work, whatever. But after your wedding, the biggest question is, "What is best for our marriage, our family?" And that is a very hard thing to learn." (The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve) 

After a recent traumatic event in our marriage, we woke up our marriage and we learned to Turn Towards one another. My husband and I learned to do "what is best for our marriage, our family".  According to John M. Gottman, he says about turning towards one another, "A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life" (The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work). In my marriage we help each other out with chores, grocery shopping, helping children with homework, and dropping/picking up kids from school.  "The Lord taught Adam and Eve not only that they should "cleave" to one another but that they must live and bear children in the sorrow, sweat, and thorns of mortality."(The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve) I love it when eve turns to Adam after they both have taken the fruit and she says, "it is best that we may past through sorrow that we may know the good from the evil". It reminds me that pain, suffering, hardship is the will of God that we may know Joy. What do you do to Turn Towards One Another in your marriage?

Cited:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books. 

" Lamentation," By Arta Romney Ballif, sister to President Marion G. Romney.

Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts: Chapter six. The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve: No misery, No joy.