Turning Towards One Another

I have to agree with this quote by the Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve: No Misery, No Joy,

"But most newly married couples can hardly grasp what awaits them when they happily walk, arm in arm, from the garden like temple grounds. If they did realize what lies ahead, they would probably walk more slowly, like Adam and Eve, driven from Eden, bowed down in unspoken sorrow."(The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve)

I have been married for over 12 years and had some up and downs but I have recently gone through my biggest trail. The article by a BYU student, "Turn Toward One Another" reminds me a little of my story. My husband got caught up in being the soul provider and didn't think he needed to be involved. It wasn't until my daughters started to do chores that they felt cheated. They thought they were pulling all the weight around the house. I would tell them how I did most of it while they were at school but then they were curious as to what Dad did? This was a waking point for me. What was my husband doing for us besides providing for the family. He had time, Right? This wasn't the only problem we had. "Up to now, your first question has naturally been "what is best for me"—how to use your time, money, school, work, whatever. But after your wedding, the biggest question is, "What is best for our marriage, our family?" And that is a very hard thing to learn." (The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve) 

After a recent traumatic event in our marriage, we woke up our marriage and we learned to Turn Towards one another. My husband and I learned to do "what is best for our marriage, our family".  According to John M. Gottman, he says about turning towards one another, "A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life" (The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work). In my marriage we help each other out with chores, grocery shopping, helping children with homework, and dropping/picking up kids from school.  "The Lord taught Adam and Eve not only that they should "cleave" to one another but that they must live and bear children in the sorrow, sweat, and thorns of mortality."(The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve) I love it when eve turns to Adam after they both have taken the fruit and she says, "it is best that we may past through sorrow that we may know the good from the evil". It reminds me that pain, suffering, hardship is the will of God that we may know Joy. What do you do to Turn Towards One Another in your marriage?

Cited:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books. 

" Lamentation," By Arta Romney Ballif, sister to President Marion G. Romney.

Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts: Chapter six. The Doctrinal Pattern of Adam and Eve: No misery, No joy.

Love Mapping

In the book by John M. Gottman, The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work, he shares one of his secrets in chapter 4. In the first principle he talks about enhancing your love map. What is your love map?  "my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life."  This means keeping up on major events in their life, staying updated on their information of their feelings as their world continues to change. It means caring for what they do and how they do things. When you care for someone don't you want to know what their up to and why do it? 

I love this idea of love mapping. I think it is very important to have a love map on your spouse. I know what its like to be married to an "Rory". (Gottmon shares a story about a husband named Rory in his book). My husband loves to work. He loves to make people happy with his work. He builds peoples backyards and they want all of his attention. My husband has an addictive personality. Everybody wants to be his friend.  When he finishes a project, he is praised by those people and then praised by the people of Facebook after seeing his beautiful work. It started to drown me out of his life. I started to wonder if work and satisfying these people were more important to him than me or his family.  When we would go around family and certain friends, they would ask me what my husband was up to and I couldn't answer the question. People were concerned about that. My mother finally asked if things were OK. If you don't know your spouses' "love map", people start to noticed. It starts to be a problem. Of course, I wasn't going to divorce him but I wanted to see if he noticed I was gone and went out of town with the kids for a week, "spring break" and he noticed and that was enough to make him listen to me and know how serious I was about this workaholic situation he was in. 

In the book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. shares in chapter two, Obedience and Sacrifice "willing to submit in all things", shares "Most of us want the prize without paying the price. We want to have a close, loving marriage, but we're not willing to give up our pet affections." He also mentions later in the chapter, "We cannot have our eyes on our partner and ourselves at the same time." 

My husband recently went through the understanding of sacrifice. He was trying to do everything by himself but not realizing that we were a team. We are "ONE" when it comes to our decisions. He wasn't including me in these decisions and I felt totally left out and alone. I was wondering why am I part of this marriage? Does he even need me anymore? Talking to him wasn't working because his head was filled with busy work. I felt like I was sacrificing everything for him but he wasn't doing the same for me? I couldn't get through to him. Finally, it took a situation with his twin brother and wife to stop him in his tracks and wake him up. Since then, we have been going to the temple more and praying together. Family time has been really important to him and we have realized that family and our marriage comes first before things, friends, and work. Once he understood this, we have had a better love map on each other. 

He says, "Try as we might, we won't do it perfectly right away. We will be distracted by ego, tripped by pride, snared by temper, or sidetracked by pain. So we go through the process again. We may need to apologize and ask our spouse for patience as we learn to do better." (Goddard).

Cited:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books. (ISBN: 9780553447712)

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing. 

Wow, such great readings and learning about the four horseman.

1.Criticism

2. Contempt

3. Defensiveness

4.  stonewalling

Great book by John M. Gottman, PH.D. the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Friendship

Repair attempts

active listening 

resolving

I watched these videos and cringed a little. I knew that my spouse and I are guilty of this. I noticed that I have understanding my spouse a lot more since I started to read these books. I have really felt the need to "Draw Heaven into [my] marriage". I don't think it is only someone needs it more than others. In Goddard's book, it is needed all the time. ( read a paper back book) On page 22:

The change of Heart he says: "We do not become celestial by adding a pinch of Jesus to a terrestrial life. At some point we simply throw ourselves on His merits, mercy, and grace." Not a pinch but all of ourselves are needed for a change. That to me  means all the time. We live with God and work with him always to keep our marriage together. 

He shares at the end of Chapter One: Creating Your Own Story, I also like what he says here,

"But good marriage is not about skills. It is about Character". 

It makes me think about Gottman and him saying the biggest myth of all is that communication or maybe we can be active listeners. "I" statements and engage, acknowledge in the other persons pain. "I hear you or "I fee your pain". 

It doesn't surprise me that Gottman would find physical research in our hormone (BLOOD) and know what is going on under the service. It just gives it another sense of depth to his research and findings. Not just how it affects marriages but also the children. I want to hear more. It integers me. 

The talk by Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy, "Covenant Marriage", Ensign, Nov. 1996, 26, shares many stories about how blissful marriage at the beginning. We think that getting married we will have no more problems and its happy ever after from here on out. I have been married for 12 years and I thought that as soon as I got married. We are so excited and blinded by what can happen after marriage. “Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them.”

Then Elder Hafen shares the story about the “Hireling” and the Good Shepherd, “Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” (2) Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other.” In order for our marriage to continue we need to treat it like a covenant vs. a contract. When we do we have a covenant marriage, we are all in at 100 percent instead of a contract marriage at only 50 percent.

What are the types of wolves that affect our marriage? We first see the natural adversity, like the lost of new born child. The second is their own imperfections, the criticism of ourselves or others towards us. The third is the excessive individualism, thinking about our own wants and needs before others.

Adam and Eve wouldn’t know any opposition and have no children. They would live forever in innocence. Instead, they left the garden so that they could have joy. To have joy they needed to know opposition. They wanted to multiply and replenish the Earth. “The Prophet Joseph Smith said that Adam blessed his posterity because “he wanted to bring them into the presence of God.” (First Presidency Message What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple by President Ezra Taft Benson, Liahona, April 1986.) How did do this? “The answer: Adam and his descendants entered into the priesthood order of God. Today we would say they went to the House of the Lord and received their blessings. The order of priesthood spoken of in the scriptures is sometimes referred to as the patriarchal order because it came down from father to son” (President Ezra Taft Benson).

When we have entered the House of the Lord, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day’s Temple, there are certain blessing we receive according to President Ezra Taft Benson, which are:

• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.

• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.

• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.

• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.

• You will receive the key of the knowledge of God. (See D&C 84:19.) You will learn how you can be like Him.

Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. (See D&C 84:20.)

• You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they

might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” (D&C 138:34.)

Such are the blessings of the temple and the blessings of frequently attending the temple.

Through the Holy Spirit, we will feel the strength of the temple in our own lives and marriage. I know that I have been blessed through regular temple attendance. For example, I was about to give birth to my first son, my third pregnancy and knew I needed that extra blessing due to my life threatening deliveries. During a priesthood blessing, the spirit told my father, who was performing the blessing, “because of my regular temple attendance that I will be blessed and protected.  The baby will be strong and healthy.”  I still had complications, but I am alive today because of my faith and temple attendance. My son is safe and made it out of the NICU after one week. I am grateful for those who built temples and sacrificed much for the blessings of marriage. To help us find away back to the presence of God. These men and women had such strong testimonies and faith that were willing to be God’s instruments and build temples, strengthen families, and continue strong marriages.