In Creating Healthy Ties with in-laws and Extended Family by JAMES M. HARPER AND SUSANNE FROST OLSEN, they shared about a creating a fence around their marriage. Protecting our sacred information that should be between the husband and wife. "Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage. The husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality relationship." This is important because it can cause hurtful feelings towards the other spouse whose parent can't let their child grow up with his own marriage. 

In my own marriage, my husband of 12 years still has parents who are enmeshed with their children. "Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together; to not be so is considered a personal affront. When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can't attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt." 

My husband's parents have almost caused his twin's brother to divorced after they moved to Idaho 6 months after they married. Unfortunately, they have caused his younger sister to divorce. She runs to mom and dad and they defend her always. The poor husband had no chance. They have two children together and his parents tried to keep the children away from him as well. Luckily, the court disagree with that action. They now share 50/50. 

My in-laws cross their boundaries often and we as a couple have taken a few years to recognize the enmeshment his parents had on him when we first got married. He felt like a failure if he couldn't show up to a family event. They blamed me for everything. It was terrible. They often asked us for money and I would say no. They blamed me for their problems. It was bad. Today, we do not see them much. Yet, they seem to come over unannounced and I have to turn them away. 

Money:

My husband comes from a family who doesn't communicate about problems. They always act like they have it together. When money was good, they spent it. When money was bad, you held back. I was raised way differently. I was raised by a CFO (Chief Financial Officer) for a big law firm in Arizona. He taught all of his children to save your money for a raining day. We saved and spent wisely. (Doesn't mean I did that always but I mostly did). When we got married. That was hard. He followed my lead but found out that he didn't want to disappoint me and hid his spending habits from me. It scared me and felt betrayed. I ended up spending my savings on some of his debts and we slowly became better at our money differences. We talked about his family financial stresses and he sees how it has caused many problems in their lives. Many of them come to us for advice since we have no debts besides a small credit card.

Here are some suggestions to help with both financial differences that may help you better understand each other and how you can better make a financial goal together:

Financial Management Suggestions

1. Be aware that each of us has an assortment of divergent values, standards, and goals that tend to influence the way we want resources allocated.

2. Accept that each of us comes to marriage with a unique set of financial rules.

3. Appreciate the severe stress placed on individuals and families when family financial rules are broken.

4. Understand that it is possible for families and family members to modify their financial management procedures.

5. Assess the financial management patterns of your family of origin and determine which of these you wish to perpetuate or discard.

6. Develop a family plan designed to alter existing, dysfunctional financial patterns and establish functional financial management techniques.

7. Learn as a family how to effectively plan, control, and evaluate the management of financial resources.

(Till Debt do us Part, Chapter 2: What we bring With Us, by Bernard Poduska)